smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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