No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
