you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Randomize
