dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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