if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
