I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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