some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Randomize
