I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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