I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
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