I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
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