the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
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