you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
