I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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