Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
My vagina just clenched in fear
Randomize
