i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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