I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
