I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
spencer pratt says his family invinted chess
that kid is like the al gore of hollywood.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
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