Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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