I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize