He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
