he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
