So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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