She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
