I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
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