I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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