My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
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