Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
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