We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Randomize
