wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
