i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
