Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
