so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
