Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
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