Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
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