I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Randomize
