At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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