I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
