She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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