If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize