I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
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