It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
