new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
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