sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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