Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
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