I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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