Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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