I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
