You smell like a Billy Joel song
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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