you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
