What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Randomize
