As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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