after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize