Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
