I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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