I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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