Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
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