I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
i've created a new STD.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
