god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Define "chronic" masturbator.
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
