Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
