I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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